And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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