My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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