Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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