overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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