oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
