My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
