i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
