I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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