life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
