I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
