Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
its liver damage thursday
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