listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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