there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
