So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
