I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
