Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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