I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
