We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
