i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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