Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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