Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
