Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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