It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
