Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
