There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
