Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
