Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
