Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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