apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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