dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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