I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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