Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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