The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
