I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
