I think I won the penis lottery.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
