We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
