The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
