if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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