I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
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Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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