maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
