I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
