Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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