I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
