We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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