You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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