so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
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I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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