she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
