After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
