Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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