The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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