You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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