I hate your face
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
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