You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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