He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Someone came in the potted fern
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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