i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
