Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just cropdusted the office
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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