I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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