Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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